On Being A Parent For The First Time
A short guide to first time parenting, and why being good enough is enough!
Last weekend my son, Ezra, turned one. It has been a rollercoaster year, let alone week (he hasn’t been sleeping well recently, I write this with a strong cup of coffee in hand).
When we found out we were having a baby on the 30th December 2019 I actually felt sick for several days! Despite us saying ‘if it happens, it happens, we’re “ready”’, it was still one of those crippling moments of dread.
Perhaps you’ve come across this article because your partner really wants a child but every time they mention it you get the same nauseous feeling in your stomach and just can’t stand the thought. Or maybe you’re going to be a parent for the first time — congratulations — even though it may feel completely overwhelming now, my observation is (after a year of being a dad) that it is one of the most incredible things you’ll ever experience — with, like most things in life, the highest and lowest of moments.
Am I even ready for this?
I spent most of the pregnancy fleeting from catastrophising to asking myself ‘Am I even ready for this?’. I’ve been informed that these are both very normal thought patterns for first-time parents, and to be honest, even though I have come a long way, they are still thoughts I have from time to time after a year. The truth of the matter of children is that you are never really ‘ready’. You’re never ready when you conceive, you’re never ready when they’re born when they start learning things like crawling and walking and talking and feeding themselves. You’re never ready when they start school or they go to university — every moment of their development is unexpected, and each of us handles them on a spectrum, and that’s ok, we’re human!
Responsibility
One of my go-to ways of rumination during the pregnancy was contemplating whether I was able to be a responsible father, whether I was ready for regularly interrupted sleep, no social life and no time to do my creative projects? I wondered whether I would bring a child into this world and completely mess them up with all my baggage. Of course, all of these things have been affected — although Covid also helped ruin my social life (so that was actually quite serendipitous), but to nowhere near the extent that ‘pregnancy David’ was hypothesising. As for dumping all your psychological baggage onto your child — I think it is partly inevitable, and maybe partly why I am so eager to train to be a counsellor, to start unpacking that and working on becoming more emotionally healthy and create a good attachment style for Ezra and any other future Cervera babies.
There is a lot of responsibility being a parent from feeding, changing nappies, bathing and taking it in turns to help them back to sleep in the middle of the night — but there’s also a tonne of responsibility that feels natural and is the most enjoyable thing you’ll ever do in your life. This includes: spending lots of time with them, helping them play for the first time, reading them a pop-up book, being the first to see them smile and make noises, picking out really cute clothes for them and watching them grow and start to understand the world piece by piece.
Catastrophising
My go-to thought pattern through the first eight months of 2020 was ‘what if the pregnancy doesn’t go right, what if something terrible happens and I end up being alone?’. My wife was a high-risk pregnancy from previous health issues, so I was plagued with horrible thoughts of death during labour or delivery or post-delivery; on some days it really was all I thought about and commanded a lot of my attention. Looking back on this way of thinking, it couldn’t be helped, and if we were to get pregnant again now, there’s a strong chance I may start thinking these thoughts again. I’m not sure where they come from, but just to reassure you, if you are having similar thoughts, perhaps they are more normal than I considered at the time.
So… what is parenting actually like?
‘I love my child, more than I ever thought possible!’ That sounds like a classic parent line, but to summarise the good, bad and ugly parts of parenting, this is where you’ll always return. Even if they poo all over the sofa or scream the house down at 2.30 am, you’ll most likely (and hopefully, I guess) always return to this mantra.
I don’t think you’ll ever realise how much you will love this thing you’ve created until it’s there in front of you — the birth is one of the most emotional things ever, but it is also a whirlwind, I still remember almost every minute of it.
The Birth
Due to Covid, I wasn’t allowed into the labour ward for the first little while of my wife being in labour, and this was a pretty traumatic experience for her. We arrived at the hospital at 7.30 pm. I then had to wait all evening in the car in the car park, then at about 10.30, I was told I should go home and come back in the morning as they weren’t expecting her to be too far along before then.
I got a call from Jocelyn at 3 am telling me to get to the hospital as the baby was coming… I thought it was still going to be hours, so I decided to have a quick shower and get ready for the long (and important) day ahead. Obviously, this is hilarious to those to who I tell the story — ‘wait, what? You had a shower? You didn’t just get in the car and go?! Did you spend time picking out an outfit as well?!’
The midwife did wonder what took me so long when I finally got to the hospital at 3.45. I’m telling you though, that’s a pretty good turnaround considering we live a 15-minute car journey to the hospital.
The birth took place about an hour later and (next to saying our vows on our wedding day) it was probably the most intense and wonderful moment of my life.
A Little Personality
Almost every day for the next few months Ezra started revealing his personality and continues to do so. It has been the cutest thing. From the way he smiles, the way he pouts before he bursts into tears, even the way he plays with his toys and food.
Unconditional Love
Not being a parent before, I didn’t really understand the idea of unconditional love as much as I do now — there is nothing he could do that would make me love him less, he’s incredible and all of this love leads me on to let you know some of the things I’m most anxious about.
Will I be a good parent?
Every parent worries about this — probably all the time. I definitely don’t worry about it all the time, but I do often think: I wonder if the way I just got angry, or frustrated, or the words he heard me say, or the way he sees me do this or that, how much that will all affect him? I think I’m a good dad on a general level, but what exactly is it that I’m going to do or say that will mould who he becomes?
I only read one parenting book before Ezra was born and that was The Joys and Sorrows of Parenting from The School of Life and its message was simple, all you need to be as a parent is ‘good enough’ — this was a huge relief and exactly what I needed to hear a few weeks before becoming a dad for the first time!
Being good enough doesn’t hold you to some extremely high standard, because you’re most likely going to miss that by a mile on day one!
Time management
I must say that time to continue my music and other creative projects have been different from before the baby, but it hasn’t been as difficult as I thought it would be. One thing I find the most frustrating is sometimes being in the flow of doing something creative and getting interrupted as I will need to help out with Ezra. Obviously, that is the difference between not having a child and having this new responsibility. It is definitely something I’m still getting used to and depending on what mood I’m in affects me more or less. It is also something that has changed over time — I am far more likely to get a good amount of time working on a project at the moment than I did seven months ago. Of course, this could all change next week!
Screaming Babies
I used to hate the grating irrational and migraine-inducing noise of a screaming child. If I am really honest, I used to wonder if I could ever have my own child because of how much it got to me. A few weeks, however, before I found out we were pregnant I was in our local shopping centre. It was Black Friday, so lots of people were out shopping, and there was a toddler in a pram and he was screaming his head off. Somehow, for some reason, I just understood exactly how he felt at that moment. I didn’t even see his face, but we really connected, and that was the moment when I knew it was going to be ok being a dad one day…
Be kind to yourself
My last word of wisdom to you is to make sure you take care of yourself.
Find moments of time to breathe and love yourself… because there is no way you can love your child fully if you’re operating from a place of emptiness and lack of love for yourself. Sometimes being a new parent you’ll question where the time or energy to do this comes from — especially as a mother, there is definitely a lot more of a physical and emotional journey to go on; but if you don’t find moments to sit in peace and reorient yourself then parenting will undoubtedly become more exhausting, relentless and frustrating. I know I absolutely have the privilege of us being a partnership in parenting — and to all the single parents, you are the most amazing people in the world — but if there are even a few minutes that you can set aside for yourself each day, then take hold of them and make the most of them. Find peace and restoration in them, but most of all use that moment to rediscover the love you have for your screaming, sleep-deprived, hungry baby!
